Dog for Sale

Whether you own a dog or not, you must  appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.   Read the sales pitch below! 

Dog  For Sale   

Free to good home.  Excellent guard dog.  

 

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.  Most of them knew Jethro only by his  Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

Read More

A-Z Albhabets for Adults

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now
The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac ?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line !
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow !

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new !

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears !
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!! 

Read More

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

According to a news report, a certain private school in  Washington was recently faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.   (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

Read More

Million Dolar Question

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
 
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
 
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
 
Is it:
 A) The condor
 B) The buzzard
 C) The cuckoo
 D) The vulture
 
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.
 
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
 
She hoped she would not have to use it because....
 
Well, her friend was, well, a blonde.  But she had no alternative.

 
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

 
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

 
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast...
 
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
 
And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
 
 Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

 
'Is that your final answer?'

 
'Yes, that is my final answer.'

 
'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
 

 
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the  million dollars .

 
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant.

 
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

 
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde,
'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

 

Sally fainted.

Read More

IPL 2011 Schedule

Date	Local/IST	No.	Match Details	Venue
8-Apr-11	20:00	1st	Chennai Super Kings vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 1st IPL	Chennai
9-Apr-11	16:00	2nd	Deccan Chargers vs Rajasthan Royals, 2nd IPL	Hyderabad
9-Apr-11	20:00	3rd	Kochi Tuskers Kerala vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 3rd IPL	Kochi
10-Apr-11	16:00	4th	Delhi Daredevils vs Mumbai Indians, 4th IPL	Delhi
10-Apr-11	20:00	5th	Pune Warriors vs Kings XI Punjab, 5th IPL	Navi Mumbai
11-Apr-11	20:00	6th	Kolkata Knight Riders vs Deccan Chargers, 6th IPL	Kolkata
12-Apr-11	16:00	7th	Rajasthan Royals vs Delhi Daredevils, 7th IPL	Jaipur
12-Apr-11	20:00	8th	Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Mumbai Indians, 8th IPL	Bangalore
13-Apr-11	16:00	9th	Kings XI Punjab vs Chennai Super Kings, 9th IPL	Mohali
13-Apr-11	20:00	10th	Pune Warriors vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 10th IPL	Navi Mumbai
14-Apr-11	20:00	11th	Deccan Chargers vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 11th IPL	Hyderabad
15-Apr-11	16:00	12th	Rajasthan Royals vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 12th IPL	Jaipur
15-Apr-11	20:00	13th	Mumbai Indians vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 13th IPL	Hyderabad
16-Apr-11	16:00	14th	Chennai Super Kings vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 14th IPL	Chennai
16-Apr-11	20:00	15th	Deccan Chargers vs Kings XI Punjab, 15th IPL	Hyderabad
17-Apr-11	16:00	16th	Pune Warriors vs Delhi Daredevils, 16th IPL	Navi Mumbai
17-Apr-11	20:00	17th	Kolkata Knight Riders vs Rajasthan Royals, 17th IPL	Kolkata
18-Apr-11	20:00	18th	Kochi Tuskers Kerala vs Chennai Super Kings, 18th IPL	Kochi
19-Apr-11	16:00	19th	Delhi Daredevils vs Deccan Chargers, 19th IPL	Delhi
19-Apr-11	20:00	20th	Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Rajasthan Royals, 20th IPL	Bangalore
20-Apr-11	16:00	21st	Mumbai Indians vs Pune Warriors, 21st IPL	Mumbai
20-Apr-11	20:00	22nd	Kolkata Knight Riders vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 22nd IPL	Kolkata
21-Apr-11	20:00	23rd	Kings XI Punjab vs Rajasthan Royals, 23rd IPL	Mohali
22-Apr-11	16:00	24th	Kolkata Knight Riders vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 24th IPL	Kolkata
22-Apr-11	20:00	25th	Mumbai Indians vs Chennai Super Kings, 25th IPL	Mumbai
23-Apr-11	20:00	26th	Delhi Daredevils vs Kings XI Punjab, 26th IPL	Delhi
24-Apr-11	16:00	27th	Deccan Chargers vs Mumbai Indians, 27th IPL	Hyderabad
24-Apr-11	20:00	28th	Rajasthan Royals vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 28th IPL	Jaipur
25-Apr-11	20:00	29th	Chennai Super Kings vs Pune Warriors, 29th IPL	Chennai
26-Apr-11	20:00	30th	Delhi Daredevils vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 30th IPL	Delhi
27-Apr-11	16:00	31st	Pune Warriors vs Chennai Super Kings, 31st IPL	Navi Mumbai
27-Apr-11	20:00	32nd	Kochi Tuskers Kerala vs Deccan Chargers, 32nd IPL	Kochi
28-Apr-11	20:00	33rd	Delhi Daredevils vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 33rd IPL	Delhi
29-Apr-11	16:00	34th	Rajasthan Royals vs Mumbai Indians, 34th IPL	Jaipur
29-Apr-11	20:00	35th	Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Pune Warriors, 35th IPL	Bangalore
30-Apr-11	16:00	36th	Kochi Tuskers Kerala vs Delhi Daredevils, 36th IPL	Kochi
30-Apr-11	20:00	37th	Kolkata Knight Riders vs Kings XI Punjab, 37th IPL	Kolkata
1-May-11	16:00	38th	Rajasthan Royals vs Pune Warriors, 38th IPL	Jaipur
1-May-11	20:00	39th	Chennai Super Kings vs Deccan Chargers, 39th IPL	Chennai
2-May-11	16:00	40th	Mumbai Indians vs Kings XI Punjab, 40th IPL	Mumbai
2-May-11	20:00	41st	Delhi Daredevils vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 41st IPL	Delhi
3-May-11	20:00	42nd	Deccan Chargers vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 42nd IPL	Hyderabad
4-May-11	16:00	43rd	Chennai Super Kings vs Rajasthan Royals, 43rd IPL	Chennai
4-May-11	20:00	44th	Pune Warriors vs Mumbai Indians, 44th IPL	Navi Mumbai
5-May-11	16:00	45th	Kochi Tuskers Kerala vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 45th IPL	Kochi
5-May-11	20:00	46th	Deccan Chargers vs Delhi Daredevils, 46th IPL	Hyderabad
6-May-11	20:00	47th	Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Kings XI Punjab, 47th IPL	Bangalore
7-May-11	16:00	48th	Kolkata Knight Riders vs Chennai Super Kings, 48th IPL	Kolkata
7-May-11	20:00	49th	Mumbai Indians vs Delhi Daredevils, 49th IPL	Mumbai
8-May-11	16:00	50th	Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 50th IPL	Bangalore
8-May-11	20:00	51st	Kings XI Punjab vs Pune Warriors, 51st IPL	Mohali
9-May-11	20:00	52nd	Rajasthan Royals vs Chennai Super Kings, 52nd IPL	Jaipur
10-May-11	16:00	53rd	Deccan Chargers vs Pune Warriors, 53rd IPL	Hyderabad
10-May-11	20:00	54th	Kings XI Punjab vs Mumbai Indians, 54th IPL	Mohali
11-May-11	20:00	55th	Rajasthan Royals vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 55th IPL	Jaipur
12-May-11	20:00	56th	Chennai Super Kings vs Delhi Daredevils, 56th IPL	Chennai
13-May-11	20:00	57th	Kochi Tuskers Kerala vs Kings XI Punjab, 57th IPL	Indore
14-May-11	16:00	58th	Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 58th IPL	Bangalore
14-May-11	20:00	59th	Mumbai Indians vs Deccan Chargers, 59th IPL	Mumbai
15-May-11	20:00	60th	Kings XI Punjab vs Delhi Daredevils, 60th IPL	Dharmasala
15-May-11	20:00	61st	Kochi Tuskers Kerala vs Rajasthan Royals, 61st IPL	Indore
16-May-11	20:00	62nd	Pune Warriors vs Deccan Chargers, 62nd IPL	Navi Mumbai
17-May-11	20:00	63rd	Kings XI Punjab vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 63rd IPL	Dharmasala
18-May-11	20:00	64th	Chennai Super Kings vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 64th IPL	Chennai
19-May-11	20:00	65th	Pune Warriors vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 65th IPL	Navi Mumbai
20-May-11	20:00	66th	Mumbai Indians vs Rajasthan Royals, 66th IPL	Mumbai
21-May-11	16:00	67th	Kings XI Punjab vs Deccan Chargers, 67th IPL	Dharmasala
21-May-11	20:00	68th	Delhi Daredevils vs Pune Warriors, 68th IPL	Delhi
22-May-11	16:00	69th	Royal Challengers Bangalore vs Chennai Super Kings, 69th IPL	Bangalore
22-May-11	20:00	70th	Kolkata Knight Riders vs Mumbai Indians, 70th IPL	Kolkata
24-May-11	20:00	71st	TBC vs TBC, Qualifier 1 IPL	Mumbai
25-May-11	20:00	72nd	TBC vs TBC, Eliminator IPL	Mumbai
27-May-11	20:00	73rd	TBC vs TBC, Qualifier 2 IPL	Chennai
28-May-11	20:00	Final	TBC vs TBC, Final IPL	Chennai

Read More