Monday, October 31, 2011

Libya & QADDAFI FACTS THAT CANT BE DENIED


1. There is no electricity bill in Libya; electricity is free for all its citizens.

2. There is no interest on loans, banks in Libya are state-owned and loans given to all its citizens at 0% interest by law.

3. Home considered a human right in Libya – Gaddafi vowed that his parents would not get a house until everyone in Libya had a home. Gaddafi’s father has died while him, his wife and his mother are still living
in a tent.

4. All newlyweds in Libya receive $60,000 Dinar (US$ 50,000 ) by the government to buy their first apartment so to help start up the family.

5. Education and medical treatments are free in Libya. Before Gaddafi only 25% of Libyans are literate. Today the figure is 83%.

6. Should Libyans want to take up farming career, they would receive farming land, a farming house, equipments, seeds and livestock to kick- start their farms – all for free.

7. If Libyans cannot find the education or medical facilities they need in Libya, the government funds them to go abroad for it – not only free but they get US $2, 300/mth accommodation and car allowance.

8. In Libyan, if a Libyan buys a car, the government subsidized 50% of the price.

9. The price of petrol in Libya is $0. 14 per liter.

10. Libya has no external debt and its reserves amount to $150 billion – now frozen globally.

11. If a Libyan is unable to get employment after graduation the state would pay the average salary of the profession as if he or she is employed until employment is found.

12. A portion of Libyan oil sale is, credited directly to the bank accounts of all Libyan citizens.

13. A mother who gave birth to a child receive US $5 ,000

14. 40 loaves of bread in Libya costs $ 0.15

15. 25% of Libyans have a university degree

16. Gaddafi carried out the world’s largest irrigation project, known as the Great Man-Made River project, to make water readily available throughout the desert country.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Tech Support Queries

Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer:
 A white one.
..............................
.
Customer: 
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out !!!
Tech Support:
 Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: 
Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: 
That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: 
No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk . . . sorry. Thank you.
..............................
.
Tech Support:
 Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the
left of the screen.

Customer: 
Your left or my left?
..............................
.
Tech Support: 
Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: 
Hi .. . . I can't print.
Tech Support: 
Would you click on 'START' for me and . . 
Customer: 
Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!!!
..............................
.
Customer: 
Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!!!
..............................
.
Customer: 
I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support:
 Do you have a color printer?
Customer: 
Aaaah . . . . . .. . . . . thank you.
..............................
.
Tech Support: 
What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: 
A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
...............................

Customer: 
My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: 
Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?
Customer: 
No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: 
Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.
Customer: 
Okay..
Tech Support: 
Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: 
Yes.
Tech Support: 
That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: 
Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . .. . . . . Ah, that one does work. Thanks.
..............................
.
Tech Support:
 Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer:
 Is that '7' in capital letters?
..............................
.
Customer: 
I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support:
 Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?
Customer: 
Yes, I'm sure I saw my co-worker do it. 
Tech Support: 
Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: 
Five dots.
..............................
.
Tech Support:
 What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: 
Netscape
Tech Support: 
That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: 
Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
..............................
.
Customer: 
I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.
..............................
.
Tech Support: 
How may I help you?
Customer: 
I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: 
OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: 
Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.
...............................


A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
she had a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: 
Are you running it under windows?
Customer:
 No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!
..............................
.
.
And last, but not least . . .

Tech Support: 
Okay George, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: 
I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: 
On your keyboard, George.
Customer: 
What do you mean ?
Tech Support: 
'P' . . . on your keyboard, George.
Customer: 
I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
..............................
.
This outta make you feel better about your computer skills!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

How to Kill a Lion according to MNC

Pranav Mittal


Some important tips on Lion Hunt.

How to Kill a Lion……………….. ☺(IT PERSON MUST SEE)

Infosys Method


1. Hire a lion

2. Send him for training in Mysore and make him feel like the KING OF THE

JUNGLE.

3. Make him take a ‘Generic Compree Exam’…………LION TURNS INTO CAT

4. Make him take a ‘Stream Compree Exam’………….CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE

5. Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he was

Trained for.

6. MOUSE RUNS HERE AND THERE FOR HELP!!!

7. Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications.

8. MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE.



TCS method:



1. Hire a lion

2. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary

3. Lion dies of hunger and frustration



IBM method:



1. Hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour …

2. He dies of unemployment…



Wipro Method:



1. Hire a Lion

2. Give him a mail Id.

3. He will die receiving stupid mails all day……..!!!!



Cognizant Method:



1. Hire a lion… ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

2. Give him Gobi 65 to eat again and again.

3. Hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit

4. Give them same Gobi 65 to eat

5. Hire 200 more……. And more …….



Accenture Method:



1. Hire a lion….

2. Send him to Chennai, India

3. Ask him to stay on bench for a long time

4. Ask him to eat idli, Dosa and Vada

5. No Hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking people other than TAMIL…

6. No good food, No water..

7. And say him “Go Ahead be a Tiger”.

8. Lion dies in confusion… he is Tiger or lion……



HCL Method:



1. Hire few lions….

2. Make them to wait for more than one year for joining.

3. Send lions from NCR to Chennai and lions from Chennai to NCR.

4. Train the lions on Java/Dot net and ask them to join testing team.

5. Give lectures on “Lions First” and ask them buy books on

“Lions First”.

6. Relocate the lions from one Zoo to another Zoo and tell them

You are to going a better Jungle.

7. Send old lions to African Jungles (read – onsite) and never

Rotate them to Indian Zoo.

8. Old lions at Africa becomes king of the jungle.

9. Indian zoo lions becomes frustrated waiting for onsite and

Eventually joins any of the above jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)

10. Lion dies according to reasons appropriate for above mentioned

Jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)



If you are in any other company please tell about it in comments

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Monday, October 3, 2011

What Man and Women Should Know


What happens If INR 1 INR = USD $ 100




What happens If INR 1 INR = USD $ 100
Year : 2050

Place : 
IBM , USA
(Two Americans Talking)

Currency Conversion Rate : INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100

Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?

John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.

Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.

John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.

Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?

John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM .

Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA

John: Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.

Alex: So, when are you leaving?

John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.

Alex: How long are you going to stay in India .

John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta .. (green card)

Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .

John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.

Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad , Bangalore and Mumbai.

John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.

Alex: Where did you get the offer, Hyderabad?

John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.

Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! What about in Bangalore, Mumbai?

John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Hyderabad. It is like the world headquarters of software

Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.

John: You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2 ,00,000/- but has got a lovely design.

Alex: By the way, who is your client?

John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specialising in Embedded Software.

Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.

My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most liveable place in India , probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.

John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.

Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?

John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL I.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.

Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.

John: Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.

Alex: You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.

John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at aSiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-Tech City of Bangalore . Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.

Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys.

John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.

Alex: OK, Good Luck John.

John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say " Namaste, aap kaise hai " to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa 
if you don't greet him that way.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Freedom


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Family Planning Advice board


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