Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dog for Sale

Whether you own a dog or not, you must  appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.   Read the sales pitch below! 


Dog  For Sale   


Free to good home.  Excellent guard dog.  
 
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.  Most of them knew Jethro only by his  Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.

Monday, April 11, 2011

A-Z Albhabets for Adults

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now
The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac ?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line !
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow !

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new !

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears !
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
 

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

According to a news report, a certain private school in  Washington was recently faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.   (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Million Dolar Question

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
 
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

 
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
 
Is it:
 A) The condor
 B) The buzzard
 C) The cuckoo
 D) The vulture

 
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.
 
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
 
She hoped she would not have to use it because....
 
Well, her friend was, well, a blonde.  But she had no alternative.

 

She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

 

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

 

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast...
 
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
 
And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
 
 Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

 

'Is that your final answer?'

 

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

 

'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
 

 

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the  million dollars .

 

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant.

 

'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

 

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde,
'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

 

Sally fainted.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

IPL 2011 Schedule

DateLocal/ISTNo.Match DetailsVenue
8-Apr-1120:001stChennai Super Kings vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 1st IPLChennai
9-Apr-1116:002ndDeccan Chargers vs Rajasthan Royals, 2nd IPLHyderabad
9-Apr-1120:003rdKochi Tuskers Kerala vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 3rd IPLKochi
10-Apr-1116:004thDelhi Daredevils vs Mumbai Indians, 4th IPLDelhi
10-Apr-1120:005thPune Warriors vs Kings XI Punjab, 5th IPLNavi Mumbai
11-Apr-1120:006thKolkata Knight Riders vs Deccan Chargers, 6th IPLKolkata
12-Apr-1116:007thRajasthan Royals vs Delhi Daredevils, 7th IPLJaipur
12-Apr-1120:008thRoyal Challengers Bangalore vs Mumbai Indians, 8th IPLBangalore
13-Apr-1116:009thKings XI Punjab vs Chennai Super Kings, 9th IPLMohali
13-Apr-1120:0010thPune Warriors vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 10th IPLNavi Mumbai
14-Apr-1120:0011thDeccan Chargers vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 11th IPLHyderabad
15-Apr-1116:0012thRajasthan Royals vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 12th IPLJaipur
15-Apr-1120:0013thMumbai Indians vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 13th IPLHyderabad
16-Apr-1116:0014thChennai Super Kings vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 14th IPLChennai
16-Apr-1120:0015thDeccan Chargers vs Kings XI Punjab, 15th IPLHyderabad
17-Apr-1116:0016thPune Warriors vs Delhi Daredevils, 16th IPLNavi Mumbai
17-Apr-1120:0017thKolkata Knight Riders vs Rajasthan Royals, 17th IPLKolkata
18-Apr-1120:0018thKochi Tuskers Kerala vs Chennai Super Kings, 18th IPLKochi
19-Apr-1116:0019thDelhi Daredevils vs Deccan Chargers, 19th IPLDelhi
19-Apr-1120:0020thRoyal Challengers Bangalore vs Rajasthan Royals, 20th IPLBangalore
20-Apr-1116:0021stMumbai Indians vs Pune Warriors, 21st IPLMumbai
20-Apr-1120:0022ndKolkata Knight Riders vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 22nd IPLKolkata
21-Apr-1120:0023rdKings XI Punjab vs Rajasthan Royals, 23rd IPLMohali
22-Apr-1116:0024thKolkata Knight Riders vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 24th IPLKolkata
22-Apr-1120:0025thMumbai Indians vs Chennai Super Kings, 25th IPLMumbai
23-Apr-1120:0026thDelhi Daredevils vs Kings XI Punjab, 26th IPLDelhi
24-Apr-1116:0027thDeccan Chargers vs Mumbai Indians, 27th IPLHyderabad
24-Apr-1120:0028thRajasthan Royals vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 28th IPLJaipur
25-Apr-1120:0029thChennai Super Kings vs Pune Warriors, 29th IPLChennai
26-Apr-1120:0030thDelhi Daredevils vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 30th IPLDelhi
27-Apr-1116:0031stPune Warriors vs Chennai Super Kings, 31st IPLNavi Mumbai
27-Apr-1120:0032ndKochi Tuskers Kerala vs Deccan Chargers, 32nd IPLKochi
28-Apr-1120:0033rdDelhi Daredevils vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 33rd IPLDelhi
29-Apr-1116:0034thRajasthan Royals vs Mumbai Indians, 34th IPLJaipur
29-Apr-1120:0035thRoyal Challengers Bangalore vs Pune Warriors, 35th IPLBangalore
30-Apr-1116:0036thKochi Tuskers Kerala vs Delhi Daredevils, 36th IPLKochi
30-Apr-1120:0037thKolkata Knight Riders vs Kings XI Punjab, 37th IPLKolkata
1-May-1116:0038thRajasthan Royals vs Pune Warriors, 38th IPLJaipur
1-May-1120:0039thChennai Super Kings vs Deccan Chargers, 39th IPLChennai
2-May-1116:0040thMumbai Indians vs Kings XI Punjab, 40th IPLMumbai
2-May-1120:0041stDelhi Daredevils vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 41st IPLDelhi
3-May-1120:0042ndDeccan Chargers vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 42nd IPLHyderabad
4-May-1116:0043rdChennai Super Kings vs Rajasthan Royals, 43rd IPLChennai
4-May-1120:0044thPune Warriors vs Mumbai Indians, 44th IPLNavi Mumbai
5-May-1116:0045thKochi Tuskers Kerala vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 45th IPLKochi
5-May-1120:0046thDeccan Chargers vs Delhi Daredevils, 46th IPLHyderabad
6-May-1120:0047thRoyal Challengers Bangalore vs Kings XI Punjab, 47th IPLBangalore
7-May-1116:0048thKolkata Knight Riders vs Chennai Super Kings, 48th IPLKolkata
7-May-1120:0049thMumbai Indians vs Delhi Daredevils, 49th IPLMumbai
8-May-1116:0050thRoyal Challengers Bangalore vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 50th IPLBangalore
8-May-1120:0051stKings XI Punjab vs Pune Warriors, 51st IPLMohali
9-May-1120:0052ndRajasthan Royals vs Chennai Super Kings, 52nd IPLJaipur
10-May-1116:0053rdDeccan Chargers vs Pune Warriors, 53rd IPLHyderabad
10-May-1120:0054thKings XI Punjab vs Mumbai Indians, 54th IPLMohali
11-May-1120:0055thRajasthan Royals vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 55th IPLJaipur
12-May-1120:0056thChennai Super Kings vs Delhi Daredevils, 56th IPLChennai
13-May-1120:0057thKochi Tuskers Kerala vs Kings XI Punjab, 57th IPLIndore
14-May-1116:0058thRoyal Challengers Bangalore vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 58th IPLBangalore
14-May-1120:0059thMumbai Indians vs Deccan Chargers, 59th IPLMumbai
15-May-1120:0060thKings XI Punjab vs Delhi Daredevils, 60th IPLDharmasala
15-May-1120:0061stKochi Tuskers Kerala vs Rajasthan Royals, 61st IPLIndore
16-May-1120:0062ndPune Warriors vs Deccan Chargers, 62nd IPLNavi Mumbai
17-May-1120:0063rdKings XI Punjab vs Royal Challengers Bangalore, 63rd IPLDharmasala
18-May-1120:0064thChennai Super Kings vs Kochi Tuskers Kerala, 64th IPLChennai
19-May-1120:0065thPune Warriors vs Kolkata Knight Riders, 65th IPLNavi Mumbai
20-May-1120:0066thMumbai Indians vs Rajasthan Royals, 66th IPLMumbai
21-May-1116:0067thKings XI Punjab vs Deccan Chargers, 67th IPLDharmasala
21-May-1120:0068thDelhi Daredevils vs Pune Warriors, 68th IPLDelhi
22-May-1116:0069thRoyal Challengers Bangalore vs Chennai Super Kings, 69th IPLBangalore
22-May-1120:0070thKolkata Knight Riders vs Mumbai Indians, 70th IPLKolkata
24-May-1120:0071stTBC vs TBC, Qualifier 1 IPLMumbai
25-May-1120:0072ndTBC vs TBC, Eliminator IPLMumbai
27-May-1120:0073rdTBC vs TBC, Qualifier 2 IPLChennai
28-May-1120:00FinalTBC vs TBC, Final IPLChennai

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